You and your hobbies can blow me! (pt. 2)

Here we go another edition of the lamest hobbies in the world. These people could be doing something more productive and ALOT more fun but they prefer to do this shit. Its sad. You know you have reached rock bottom when you spend your free time doing....


Crossword Puzzles - So you're sitting around on a Sunday morning and the thought of even touching your own dick makes you sick. Then you realize that in an attempt to give your life a shred of actual meaning you had got up early enough to get the Sunday paper. If you don't have friends at least you'll know whats happening in the world, right? Then after reading the damn thing cover to cover (yes, even the real estate section).. You've run out of things to do. Then you see it smiling at you, like a freshly turned, 18 year old vagina. THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE!! YAY!!! You spend your early afternoon wasting your time trying to figure out what "starts with A, ends with E and is a ten letter word for automotive engine coolant." If you can't find a better way to spend your time than trying to earn a self awarded trophy as crossword puzzle king, you should probably go eat some toilet bowl cleaner (preferably The Works).

Boating - Sure this one should have been in the outdoor edition, but how can I pass ripping this one apart? You waste a shit ton of money to get out on the nice bass and seaweed stenched open water. Then what do you do when you're out there? No seriously, what do you do? Swim off the boat? Maybe cast a fishing line out? NOOO usually you just get drunk, pass out and wake up with sunburn thats so bad, it actually blisters. Talk about one of the lamest of expensive hobbies, you go out there on the water to do NOTHING! Sweet dude. Sounds like fucking great fun, especially if you bring people with you and one of them gets sea sick.. RAD! You can make the arguement that its a way to get from town to town on the lakes. What happens when you actually get to that town? Oh yeah, nothing. Cuz then you're on fucking foot. People who boat have the mentality of the child who spent too much time in the tub with his toy boats. They call themselves Captain, buy the skipper hat and give their boat a nifty name like the S.S. Matilda. This is just another one of those hobbies that make up for an inadequate penis size and a way for you to give yourself some self pride. "I'm the Captain!! Wanna ride on my boat?" and do what? Ride it, Then what? Oh boy Captain, sounds like a fucking blast...umm no. How bout you just save the money you were gonna buy the boat with and take a trip to somewhere? Then you could actually do something with your time and expirience something more in life than "lookin at water and drivin a boat."

Knitting - This is one that is unique, unlike gardening no man has ever even attempted to even take this hobby up. You ladies spend WAAAY too much time with your yarn and needles to create something that NO ONE WANTS! Seriously, whose gonna use that afghan that it took you 7 months to create? I guess we all could just drape it on the couch so everyone can tell us how ugly it is. Maybe if your a talented artist I can understand it, but you're not. Whats anyone gonna do with that? Maybe if you have a drunk over they will use it as a replacement blanket when trying to sleep it off, who knows. Nobody wants your shitty baby booties or your homemade hair ties. In this day and age we should be creating something bigger and better that fucking afghans. Don't waste your time ladies! Its great if you want a lot of work and effort thrown right into the trash, cuz no one wants thats garbage!

Dancing - This is one of those things that only women, gay men, latino men, black men and men who enjoy boot scootin' actually do. What are you getting out of this seriously? Is it the freedom to just move to music? Whenever I see a honkey man attempting to "get down" I want to take a chainsaw to his head. Even the previously stated people who are good at this, whats it gonna do for ya? Where ya gonna go? That Stomp shit is fucking trash. Broadway is for those that like the dicks in their mouths or enjoy quality theatre... just kidding, musicals are all worthless. I bet its lots of fun to ridiculously gyrate to the beat of a shitty rap song thats only popular because it can be used as a repetetive ringtone that annoys everyone. The worst dancing culprits are ballet, boot scooters and those "you got served" assholes. Oh boy I got served, then I left a tip cuz the service was subpar, but still ok. Ballet is like poetry getting assfucked by Jim J. Bullock. Then the worst of the worst.. white trash rednecks dancing to: Generic Country Song. I wish I could poison that whole race of people... This is like some sort of mating ritual with Nascar fans. They dance to hillbilly dance trash music together and then the 310lb woman jiggles her rolls that are naturally buttered. This then obviously gives the Jeff Foxworthy/Larry the Cable Guy asshole who beats women and is out on parole, a boner.. because they like butter and rolls. Then they mate... and the world gets stupider. Also the nightclub grinding Puerto Rican = Rapist!

For reference reasons Heres Jim J. Bullock and a fat redneck woman dancing!

Paintball - You're telling me that you have nothing better to do twice a week than play war? You people gather around in the fucking woods to shoot each other with toy guns that actually hurt when you get hit with them. One might think hey, this is good military type training... yeah its not. Its called a bunch of nerds gathering to play war. Instead of guns that make funny sounds, they have paint ball guns that shoot faster than actual fully automatic assault rifles. I like to call these people the No Fear Queers. No offense to the queer that actually enjoys chugging cock... These guys, though some might be gay, like to pretend to be in the military instead of actually do it. Think of someone who plays Halo and has a problem seperating reality from fiction. Thats these ball sniffers. Talk about a waste of money! They buy guns that shoot turds for ridiculous prices. What are you accomplishing here? That you can be a pretend solider? That its fun to run around and fake shoot people? This is someone who literally pretends to kill people week in and week out. You paintball fuckers are all worthless in my eyes, I hope you all get syphilis.

Anime - I refuse to actually acknowledge these people. Who the fuck is actually a fan of this shit? If you're one of these dickheads seriously cut your dick off. These are nerds who jerk off to cartoons! Fucking CARTOONS!! So some Japanese dudes make a cartoon film throw some provacative women looking things in it (cuz the Japanese are always perving). You got a HUGE SELLER!! I've never sat through any anime because its the same old story.. Just an attempt to give dudes hardons with cartoons. If its not tits its blood and gore... YAY!!! Sailor Moon? Im sorry I don't think pencil drawings are hot... Maybe its all about the story of these programs and its Japanese culture invading the U.S. No, No its not.. Its all about dudes jacking off to cartoons! When you're an anime fan you've reached the lowest form of nerd. They claim its about the unique style of the film and Dragon Ball Z bullshit. Yeah well In English, dictionary sources define anime as "a Japanese style of motion-picture animation" No it really comes down to animated titties, blood and gore. If you're one of these guys you need to get a fucking life, period.

You and your hobbies can blow me! (pt. 1)

We all have hobbies, things that keep us busy and we find to be fun. Really most of them are stupid and wastes of time. Here is the 1st of a three part series of the worst hobbies, this being the outdoor edition. Usually the fans of these hobbies are douchebags, white trash and people with nothing better to do with themselves. That is you if you enjoy.....



Snowmobiling - Yes!! Its 15 degrees outside and snow is everywhere.. What a perfect time to do something OUTDOORS! Lets dig out that 20,000 dollar piece of equipment that you can only use for 3 months out of the year. I can see how they are a wise investment though because nothing is better than paying so much for something that just sits there. But for those 3 months you can rip through the snow on your Polaris or Artic Cat and piss off people who are traveling with actual cars by just being in the way. WHAT FUN!! Plus you get the perks of carrying all that snow gear, the suit, the helmet, those gigantic boots.. The biggest perk of all though is that you get to constantly smell of exhaust. I know how much establishments enjoy it when people walk in with all this baggage and stench of carbon dioxide. Honestly I hope everyone who drives one of these things runs into a barbed wire fence at full speed. Heres an idea ya like driving them on ice, right? Well maybe you could do the world a favor and drive you and your overpriced, lame hobby into the thawed mouth of a river. You people are pure trash!



Hunting - The test of a real man! To be the provider you have to be able to go out and kill something. Plus you get to wear all that sweet ass orange and camoflage apparell. It might be cold outside but thats just the perfect time to be bored in the woods looking for an animal. Hunting camp is also fun, because hangovers and guns are such a good combination. Seriously though, haven't we evolved enough to the point where we don't have to play caveman and hunt for our food. Theres a reason we raise certain animals for food. Theres a reason we have grocery stores. Yes, they even raise deer for their meat in a controlled environment. Whats not to like about being a hunter? Being in the woods alone in the cold, sprinkling animal piss, being a general dickhead and playing with a gun. Did I mention that hunters are pieces of shit? Cuz they are.




Gardening - Usually a hobby that is reserved for those people that contain vaginas in their pants. These people wear ridiculously large and stupid looking hats, wear gloves and enjoy digging in the earth with tools that resemble murder weapons. Then onces their always productive garden produces they want to share their "world famously large tomatoes" with every fucking person they come into contact with. Sure if you want to waste your time playing in the dirt only to give away the produce thats fine by me. I just think its much easier and less time consuming to ya know go to a farmers market or a damn grocery store for that shit. I mean if you want to grow produce become a fucking farmer yourself.



Horseback riding - Really what are ya getting outta that? Oh boy Im on my horsey YAY!! Look at me daddy I'm a cowboy!! Nothing like dealing with a stubborn animal as a mode of transportation. Its pointless and a waste of money. I have to say I could careless about animals except as food, so maybe you think you've got some connection with your overpriced animal but guess what, ITS A FUCKING ANIMAL they don't know shit about shit. You can't communicate with them and you're not in the old west. If you wear a fucking cowboy hat too, you need to grow up. Its time to stop playing cowboys and indians.

Skiing - Another pointless overpriced outdoor hobby that entails carrying bulky gear and playing in the snow. News flash you're not gonna be the next Picabo Street and chances are you and your giants sticks strapped to your feet are gonna end up with a broken leg. We can only hope that happens and you realize that its a stupid hobby. Oh but its so fun because of the adrenaline rush yeah but so is crystal meth so what does that tell ya?

Where do I start? The Detroit Tigers have a payroll thats over 130 million dollars, second to only the New York Yankees. They also have gotten nothing in return for that after 7 games. The team is off the a wretched 0-7 start. They could be fielding a team of bowlers and competetive eaters and they would have the same record after this many games. Its so early though that even the bandwagon douchebag fans who think Brandon Inge is the best player in Major League Baseball haven't even given up. Sure, no team has ever made the postseason after such start that resembles watching baseball at the special olympics or as I like to call it... the worlds biggest pin the tail on the donkey competition. Why don't they have like a national Special Olympics? Where the biggest and the best compete? I sure as hell would watch that, it would be fucking hilarious. Something about retarded people will always be funny even though that makes me the scum of the earth for laughing at unfortunate individuals. Anyway getting back on track.. Everyone is wondering "whats wrong with the Tigers?" They have the best team in baseball on paper but right now that paper is that of the toilet variety. Pure Charmin. This team is supposed to win 100 games and score 1000 runs. So far they'vs scored 15 runs in 7 games... What a colossal offense! It is if you want to win games that are 1-0 or 2-1 every day. But they can't even score a victory against bad breath by using listerine. Is it time to panic? I don't fucking think so but it sure does suck. So whats wrong with this team... lets break it down..
-Curtis Granderson has a boo boo - He can't play due to a finger that was mildly snapped in half. He is the guy who ignites the lineup batting first. Many are saying his injury is to blame for the bad start. I won't put it all on that but its certainly part of it. But if this team can't win just because one player is hurt is borderline silly to say. -Magglio has put all his focus on his hair instead of his bat - Those long curly locks that the fans love. His hair is so pretty, that all he needs is some soul glow to make it sparkle. The problem is in order to look good you need to play good. Your hair can be nice and all but if you play like a turd because of it, its time to rethink your priorities.

- Jason Grilli just sucks - He throws a mid 90s fastball that is straighter than my cock. 5th graders could hit a homerun off this guy. He's been walking in runs and when he does throw strikes they end up in the Detroit river. I get it, his dad was a Tiger so theres some nostalgia to have his son on the team but he has to preform better than an extra in Saved by the Bell: the college years. Just release him and call up some other turd snacker and least then theres a chance he can surprise us. Grilli will continue to be Grilli and hopefully thats on some other American League team(but no teams that dumb) cuz then it would be fun to watch Magglio's hair hit a homer off of him. Grilli's career defining moment was that beer goggles celebration BS he did at the end of the '06 ALCS. He wore some glasses that made him look like all he cared about was getting drunk. Too bad hes been drunk ever since that moment. - Brandon Inge isn't playing with his nuts as much - Just kidding, of course he is! But hes been surprisingly patient and the only player thats playing decent right now. ITS BIZARRO TIGERS... The team sucks but Inge is good WTF? Thats not normal whatsoever. Inge or Krotchy with a K is supposed to lead the team in jock itch not homeruns. - Gary Sheffield has a fucked up finger - On a bonehead play he tried to stretch a bloop single into a double sliding head first into second. That nice piece of play tore a tendon in one of his fingers. Now his wife is pissed because the foreplay just isn't the same, and hes taking out his sexual frustrations on Tiger fans by not hitting extra base hits. Instead he just stands there and waits for the pitcher to walk him everytime but sometimes that don't work and hes force to swing the bat with his hurt hanny. Thus making more fun outs.

- Kenny Rogers is old - He might know when to hold em, he might know when to fold em but he doesn't know when to walk away or know when to run. He's been counting his money while hes sitting at the table even though there will be time enough for counting when the dealing is done. I think he can get it back but he is old and we might have put too much stock in him.

-Edgar Renteria is really just a three toed sloth - He is.... just look at him.

- Miguel Cabrera is too wealthy to give a shit - He just signed a fucking 150 million dollar, 7 year extension. Think he gives a fuck about anything else? All he has to do is show up to work and let balls get hit past him and he can still buy all the Venezuelan dog burritos he desires. He lost all that weight coming into spring training too bad he lost his baseball talent too. He better eat some good old Mickey D's or something to get back into game shape.

- Pudge Rodriguez can't have his steriods - A few years back when baseball first cracked down on steriods he claimed he lost a ton of weight with the Atkins diet to stay agile behind the plate. But anyone with 1/6 of a brain knows he lost weight with the Chris Master's diet. No more roids makes you smaller. The amazing size changing man!

- Dontrelle Willis forgot how to throw a baseball - In his Tigers debut he walked a career high 7 guys. This was in the middle of a no hitter that he was throwing into the 6th inning. This coming from a guy who just got a brand new three year deal for like 24 million dollars or someshit. Way to make an impact by forgetting how to throw the little white ball with stiches that made you that much money. Maybe if you had a windup that looked somewhat normal you could put the baseball where you want to but no you have to look like fucking Hollywood from the movie Mannequin throwing a baseball. So far you've pitched as well as Meshach Taylor. He was a shitty actor even on that show Designing Women (which was on tv WAAY TOO LONG!).

- Jim Leyland is not cranky enough - Someone take his cigarettes away or something. He must be getting too much sleep knowing his team is as talented as a young Mackuli Culkin. Time is near to do something, start drinking too much coffee or go on a whiskey bender.. He just keeps saying this team is good they just are shit now, they'll get it together. Well if this doesn't get turned around soon one of your friends is gonna get fired. Lloyd McClendon look out you fat fuck of a hitting coach. When guys who have proven track records aren't hitting something has to be fucked and maybe its because you are preoccupied with watching Ax Men on the History Channel or something instead of going over videos of whats wrong with Magglio's swing. You need to get a DVR Lloyd, then you can watch Ghost Hunters without commercials while you eat your daily turkducken. Get these bats going. Remember what a dick you were Jimmy when in '06 we started to suck then you went on a tirade about how the team sucked and you won't let that happen anymore? Where is that guy now? Perhaps having a team full of allstars makes you forget that they have to ACTUALLY WIN. GET ANGRY JIM!

"No blood for burritos"

- A bullpen full of jobbers - Seriously, who are any of these guys. No real track records not a whole lot of talent except for Todd Jones who is notoriously known for almost blowing every game he saves except he comes through usually. I can't blame these guys too much... its not like the team has actually had a lead later in the game. The starting pitchers and lineup are pulling less weight than these guys, but everyone bashes this teams pen so I'll throw a malatov cocktail at them just this once. Sure Joel Zumaya and Fernando Rodney are hurt and should be ready to go if the world was perfect but they aren't to blame here. The pen hasn't really been the problem so far.

- Jeremy Bonderman has a learning disorder - Its well documented that he has deslexia. Thats pretty much how you would explain how he can't throw an effective change up. Shit man, I can throw a circle change effectively, how can you not when you make all that money? Your pitching right now is like Steve Guttenbergs career. It was solid at one time but didn't have enough to keep going on top... he realized his niche and stuck it out to keep working. Bondo has the chance to be a top of the rotation guy and just hasn't taken that next step. Do it now or do what Guttenberg did, by doing Hallmark channel movies. Knowing his role and shutting his mouth.. I think thats a reference unintentionally to The Rock. I'm giving Bonderman the peoples eyebrow right now.

- Justin Verlander has the crabs - That explains why hes pitched like shit. All he needs to do is use the special shampoo and he'll be ok but those critters don't kill easy it takes hard work and perseverence to rid your area of them. Wow, kinda like baseball hard work and perseverence.

- Placido Polanco's alien head - Its been reprogrammed to have no plate patience. This is not the same guy that won ALCS MVP. I think the group of aliens that provided him with the ability to bat over .330 twice has taken their probe out and replaced it with a stupid probe. He seriously had to have been fucked with by aliens because 1) someone with a head that big is not all natural and 2) He looks completely opposite of what we have become accustomed to. He went 186 games without an error until today. Something else has to be at play and its not human.

Finally

-Carlos Guillen thinks playing first base is exactly like playing shortstop - Standing in the baseline when someones hustling down the line to leg out a dribbler to an already bad fielding overweight giant at third base called Miguel Cabrera is not the right way to tackle the position. Its a good way to end up with a broken leg and an error. Sure hes one of the few guys whose hitting ok but 1st base is not second. You can't just hover over the bag when someone like David Ortiz is coming directly at you otherwise you're gonna end up with an ankle that doesn't work because someone stepped on your foot and it came completely off.

I think all these problems are just coming at the same time and its only seven games into a season full of hype and promise but as a fan of this team, someone who struggled through the years to be proud of a HORRIBLE 90s-early 00s team its hard to see this happening. The team is talented and just not clicking at all... hopefully this is the worst stretch of the year period. I can't handle another 2003 and I won't have to because this team is gonna be the story all season. They will dominate once everyone gets straightend out. Look out the Tigers are playing possum so don't jump off the bandwagon just yet, great times are ahead.

Ric Flair... unfortunately will not be forgotten

I know its white trashy to be a pro wrestling fan... Its seriously oiled up hairless men groping each other and play fighting. But on Sunday night the annual tradition of Wrestlemania took place and I was watching the overpriced pay per view live. 65 bucks in HD, 55 in standard definition.. Nothing like wasting hard earned money on some play fighting. Anyway it was Ric Flair's last match ever, which came about 10 years too late. The bastard had to continue to wrestle because he invested badly and blew his money on dumbshit like shoelaces. Since the stipulation of this match was Flair must retire if he loses(which everyone knew he would lose..cuz come on its Wrestlemania) there was a shit ton of hype on seeing the "dirtiest player in the game" that one last time. It didnt help that the previous night he was inducted in the illustrious WWE hall of fame (which is only a list of name, its not like theres an actual hall somewhere for play fighting men.) So the hype was there to the extreme and anyone watching heard enough "WOOOO"s to make you want to saw off your leg. But alas you have to give credit to the guy just because hes been doing the play fighting thing for 36 fucking years and he was always able to point out that he was a 16 time world champion. His last match had to come against another legend too so to put down old Yellar they set the "Nature Boy" (he probably never spent one day in the woods) Ric Flair against The "Heartbreak kid" Shawn Michaels. Michaels has always claimed that Flair was one of the reason he became a rassler so it makes sense for him to be the last man "Naitch" would wrestle against.

I was never a fan of Flair at all. He had about 10 moves that he rotated throughout every match and watching him was always extremely boring to me. 36 years of doing the same 10 damn moves in the pretend world of pro wrestling. Yuck! The last few matches were the equivilent of watching a grandfather take on some tapiaoca pudding in a grudge match.

Ric Flairs moveset:

- Backhand Chops

"WOOO!"

- Knee roll thingy

- Random continuous punches

- More Chops

"WOOOOOO!"

- Drop toe hold

- More Chops

"WOOOOOOOO!"

- Jump off the top ropes that rarely worked

- Side arm hook slam thingy

- More Chops

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

- The big finisher The figure four leglock

Even women tap out to the figure four!

Flair did have a way of making other wrestlers look good in the ring, which is usually something jobbers do. Without him Lex Lugar and Sting would have never had a job in that business for long (which probably would have been better). I can't completely knock a guy who gave 36 fucking years to a business that I admire. Yeah, I admire the male soap opera. Anyway, classic Flair was on display at Wrestlemania 24 and we got to see all 10 of those moves in their old man glory. Shawn Michaels was able to make Flair look like he could still go and right before he delivered his finishing sweet chin music kick to the head he said to Flair.. "I'm sorry, I love you." then boom 36 years and 16 world championships were finally done play fighting and it couldn't have come fast enough for me.
His skin was as always overly tan but it had an extra sag to it that only the elderly have.. His hair was as always overly blonde but there was lots less of it and his face looked like a Ric Flair that recently aquired down syndrome as a reward for all those years of wrestling. 58 year old men shouldn't have to keep wrestling no matter who they are. I never liked watching Flair wrestle and am glad hes done but I still have to respect him for being a part of something I've watched since childhood.

"Ummm WOOO!?"