aters and they would have the same record after this many games. Its so early though that even the bandwagon douchebag fans who think Brandon Inge is the best player in Major League Baseball haven't even given up. Sure, no team has ever made the postseason after such start that resembles watching baseball at the special olympics or as I like to call it... the worlds biggest pin the tail on the donkey competition. Why don't they have like a national Special Olympics? Where the biggest and the best compete? I sure as hell would watch that, it would be fucking hilarious. Something about retarded people will always be funny even though that makes me the scum of the earth for laughing at unfortunate individuals. Anyway getting back on track.. Everyone is wondering "whats wrong with the Tigers?" They have the best team in baseball on paper but right now that paper is that of the toilet variety. Pure Charmin. This team is supposed to win 100 games and score 1000 runs. So far they'vs scored 15 runs in 7 games... What a colossal offense! It is if you want to win games that are 1-0 or 2-1 every day. But they can't even score a victory against bad breath by using listerine. Is it time to panic? I don't fucking think so but it sure does suck. So whats wrong with this team... lets break it down..
-Curtis Granderson has a boo boo - He can't play due to a finger that was mildly snapped in half. He is the guy who ignites the lineup batting first. Many are saying his injury is to blame for the bad start. I won't put it all on that but its certainly part of it. But if this team can't win just because one player is hurt is borderline silly to say.
-Magglio has put all his focus on his hair instead of his bat - Those long curly locks that the fans love. His hair is so pretty, that all he needs is some soul glow to make it sparkle. The problem is in order to look good you need to play good. Your hair can be nice and all but if you play like a turd because of it, its time to rethink your priorities.
- Jason Grilli just suc
ks - He throws a mid 90s fastball that is straighter than my cock. 5th graders could hit a homerun off this guy. He's been walking in runs and when he does throw strikes they end up in the Detroit river. I get it, his dad was a Tiger so theres some nostalgia to have his son on the team but he has to preform better than an extra in Saved by the Bell: the college years. Just release him and call up some other turd snacker and least then theres a chance he can surprise us. Grilli will continue to be Grilli and hopefully thats on some other American League team(but no teams that dumb) cuz then it would be fun to watch Magglio's hair hit a homer off of him. Grilli's career defining moment was that beer goggles celebration BS he did at the end of the '06 ALCS. He wore some glasses that made him look like all he cared about was getting drunk. Too bad hes been drunk ever since that moment.
- Brandon Inge isn't playing with his nuts as much - 
Just kidding, of course he is! But hes been surprisingly patient and the only player thats playing decent right now. ITS BIZARRO TIGERS... The team sucks but Inge is good WTF? Thats not normal whatsoever. Inge or Krotchy with a K is supposed to lead the team in jock itch not homeruns.
- Gary Sheffield has a fucked up finger - 
On a bonehead play he tried to stretch a bloop single into a double sliding head first into second. That nice piece of play tore a tendon in one of his fingers. Now his wife is pissed because the foreplay just isn't the same, and hes taking out his sexual frustrations on Tiger fans by not hitting extra base hits. Instead he just stands there and waits for the pitcher to walk him everytime but sometimes that don't work and hes force to swing the bat with his hurt hanny. Thus making more fun outs.- Kenny Rogers is old - 
He might know when to hold em, he might know when to fold em but he doesn't know when to walk away or know when to run. He's been counting his money while hes sitting at the table even though there will be time enough for counting when the dealing is done. I think he can get it back but he is old and we might have put too much stock in him.
He might know when to hold em, he might know when to fold em but he doesn't know when to walk away or know when to run. He's been counting his money while hes sitting at the table even though there will be time enough for counting when the dealing is done. I think he can get it back but he is old and we might have put too much stock in him.
-Edgar Renteria is
really just a three toed sloth - He is.... just look at him.
- Miguel Cabrera is too wealthy to give a shit - 
He just signed a fucking 150 million dollar, 7 year extension. Think he gives a fuck about anything else? All he has to do is show up to work and let balls get hit past him and he can still buy all the Venezuelan dog burritos he desires. He lost all that weight coming into spring training too bad he lost his baseball talent too. He better eat some good old Mickey D's or something to get back into game shape.
He just signed a fucking 150 million dollar, 7 year extension. Think he gives a fuck about anything else? All he has to do is show up to work and let balls get hit past him and he can still buy all the Venezuelan dog burritos he desires. He lost all that weight coming into spring training too bad he lost his baseball talent too. He better eat some good old Mickey D's or something to get back into game shape.- Pudge Rodriguez can't have his steriods - 
A few years back when baseball first cracked down on steriods he claimed he lost a ton of weight with the Atkins diet to stay agile behind the plate. But anyone with 1/6 of a brain knows he lost weight with the Chris Master's diet. No more roids makes you smaller. The amazing size changing man!
A few years back when baseball first cracked down on steriods he claimed he lost a ton of weight with the Atkins diet to stay agile behind the plate. But anyone with 1/6 of a brain knows he lost weight with the Chris Master's diet. No more roids makes you smaller. The amazing size changing man!
- Dontrelle Willis forgot how to throw a baseball - In his Tigers debut he walked a 
career high 7 guys. This was in the middle of a no hitter that he was throwing into the 6th inning. This coming from a guy who just got a brand new three year deal for like 24 million dollars or someshit. Way to make an impact by forgetting how to throw the little white ball with stiches that made you that much money. Maybe if you had a windup that looked somewhat normal you could put the baseball where you want to but no you have to look like fucking Hollywood from the movie Mannequin throwing a baseball. So far you've pitched as well as Meshach Taylor. He was a shitty actor even on that show Designing Women (which was on tv WAAY TOO LONG!).
- Jim Leyland is not cranky enough - 
Someone take his cigarettes away or something. He must be getting too much sleep knowing his team is as talented as a young Mackuli Culkin. Time is near to do something, start drinking too much coffee or go on a whiskey bender.. He just keeps saying this team is good they just are shit now, they'll get it together. Well if this doesn't get turned around soon one of your friends is gonna get fired. Lloyd McClendon look out you fat fuck of a hitting coach. When guys who have proven track records aren't hitting something has to be fucked and maybe its because you are preoccupied with watching Ax Men on the History Channel or something instead of going over videos of whats wrong with Magglio's swing. You need to get a DVR Lloyd, then you can watch Ghost Hunters without commercials while you eat your daily turkducken.
Get these bats going. Remember what a dick you were Jimmy when in '06 we started to suck then you went on a tirade about how the team sucked and you won't let that happen anymore? Where is that guy now? Perhaps having a team full of allstars makes you forget that they have to ACTUALLY WIN. GET ANGRY JIM!
Someone take his cigarettes away or something. He must be getting too much sleep knowing his team is as talented as a young Mackuli Culkin. Time is near to do something, start drinking too much coffee or go on a whiskey bender.. He just keeps saying this team is good they just are shit now, they'll get it together. Well if this doesn't get turned around soon one of your friends is gonna get fired. Lloyd McClendon look out you fat fuck of a hitting coach. When guys who have proven track records aren't hitting something has to be fucked and maybe its because you are preoccupied with watching Ax Men on the History Channel or something instead of going over videos of whats wrong with Magglio's swing. You need to get a DVR Lloyd, then you can watch Ghost Hunters without commercials while you eat your daily turkducken. Get these bats going. Remember what a dick you were Jimmy when in '06 we started to suck then you went on a tirade about how the team sucked and you won't let that happen anymore? Where is that guy now? Perhaps having a team full of allstars makes you forget that they have to ACTUALLY WIN. GET ANGRY JIM!
"No blood for burritos"- A bullpen full of jobbers -
Seriously, who are any of these guys. No real track records not a whole lot of talent except for Todd Jones who is notoriously known for almost blowing every game he saves except he comes through usually. I can't blame these guys too much... its not like the team has actually had a lead later in the game. The starting pitchers and lineup are pulling less weight than these guys, but everyone bashes this teams pen so I'll throw a malatov cocktail at them just this once. Sure Joel Zumaya and Fernando Rodney are hurt and should be ready to go if the world was perfect but they aren't to blame here. The pen hasn't really been the problem so far.
Seriously, who are any of these guys. No real track records not a whole lot of talent except for Todd Jones who is notoriously known for almost blowing every game he saves except he comes through usually. I can't blame these guys too much... its not like the team has actually had a lead later in the game. The starting pitchers and lineup are pulling less weight than these guys, but everyone bashes this teams pen so I'll throw a malatov cocktail at them just this once. Sure Joel Zumaya and Fernando Rodney are hurt and should be ready to go if the world was perfect but they aren't to blame here. The pen hasn't really been the problem so far.- Jeremy Bonderman has a learning disorder - 
Its well documented that he has deslexia. Thats pretty much how you would explain how he can't throw an effective change up. Shit man, I can throw a circle change effectively, how can you not when you make all that money? Your pitching right now is like Steve Guttenbergs career. It was solid at one time but didn't have enough to keep going on top... he realized his niche and stuck it out to keep working. Bondo has the chance to be a top of the rotation guy and just hasn't taken that next step. Do it now or do what Guttenberg did, by doing Hallmark channel movies. Knowing his role and shutting his mouth.. I think thats a reference unintentionally to The Rock. I'm giving Bonderman the peoples eyebrow right now.
Its well documented that he has deslexia. Thats pretty much how you would explain how he can't throw an effective change up. Shit man, I can throw a circle change effectively, how can you not when you make all that money? Your pitching right now is like Steve Guttenbergs career. It was solid at one time but didn't have enough to keep going on top... he realized his niche and stuck it out to keep working. Bondo has the chance to be a top of the rotation guy and just hasn't taken that next step. Do it now or do what Guttenberg did, by doing Hallmark channel movies. Knowing his role and shutting his mouth.. I think thats a reference unintentionally to The Rock. I'm giving Bonderman the peoples eyebrow right now.
- Justin Verlander has the crabs -
That explains why hes pitched like shit. All he needs to do is use the special shampoo and he'll be ok but those critters don't kill easy it takes hard work and perseverence to rid your area of them. Wow, kinda like baseball hard work and perseverence.
That explains why hes pitched like shit. All he needs to do is use the special shampoo and he'll be ok but those critters don't kill easy it takes hard work and perseverence to rid your area of them. Wow, kinda like baseball hard work and perseverence.- Placido Polanco's alien head -
Its been reprogrammed to have no plate patience. This is not the same guy that won ALCS MVP. I think the group of aliens that provided him with the ability to bat over .330 twice has taken their probe out and replaced it with a stupid probe. He seriously had to have been fucked with by aliens because 1) someone with a head that big is not all natural and 2) He looks completely opposite of what we have become accustomed to. He went 186 games without an error until today. Something else has to be at play and its not human.
Its been reprogrammed to have no plate patience. This is not the same guy that won ALCS MVP. I think the group of aliens that provided him with the ability to bat over .330 twice has taken their probe out and replaced it with a stupid probe. He seriously had to have been fucked with by aliens because 1) someone with a head that big is not all natural and 2) He looks completely opposite of what we have become accustomed to. He went 186 games without an error until today. Something else has to be at play and its not human.Finally
-Carlos Guillen thinks playing first base is exactly like playing shortstop - 
Standing in the baseline when someones hustling down the line to leg out a dribbler to an already bad fielding overweight giant at third base called Miguel Cabrera is not the right way to tackle the position. Its a good way to end up with a broken leg and an error. Sure hes one of the few guys whose hitting ok but 1st base is not second. You can't just hover over the bag when someone like David Ortiz is coming directly at you otherwise you're gonna end up with an ankle that doesn't work because someone stepped on your foot and it came completely off.
Standing in the baseline when someones hustling down the line to leg out a dribbler to an already bad fielding overweight giant at third base called Miguel Cabrera is not the right way to tackle the position. Its a good way to end up with a broken leg and an error. Sure hes one of the few guys whose hitting ok but 1st base is not second. You can't just hover over the bag when someone like David Ortiz is coming directly at you otherwise you're gonna end up with an ankle that doesn't work because someone stepped on your foot and it came completely off. I think all these problems are just coming at the same time and its only seven games into a season full of hype and promise but as a fan of this team, someone who struggled through the years to be proud of a HORRIBLE 90s-early 00s team its hard to see this happening. The team is talented and just not clicking at all... hopefully this is the worst stretch of the year period. I can't handle another 2003 and I won't have to because this team is gonna be the story all season. They will dominate once everyone gets straightend out. Look out the Tigers are playing possum so don't jump off the bandwagon just yet, great times are ahead.
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