2007: A year to forget (pt. 1)

2007 - You wont be missed!
In a year that contained so much nonsense, I was a silent observer. Being my first blog on this particular corner in the series of tubes, I will give my holiest of opinions on the year that we all just thankfully left behind. These are listed in no particular order.



1.) Annoying Presidential candidates - Too many fucking names Romney, Clinton, Thompson, Obama, Paul, Edwards, Guiliani etc. The only thing I think I like in any of these people is something they all have in common... None of them have the last name Bush. Politicians are all dirt balls.. Does it really take 2.5 years to decide who the final two candidates should be? I understand deciding the best option for the leader of the best country on Earth is not easy, but it seems like ever since Debbie Dubya Bush has started her second term all (the joke we call) the media has covered is the NEXT presidential race. Its also hard to figure out who the best choice is out of a basket full of douche bags and retards... We are trying to find the prettiest turd in the toilet so far that turd to me is Ron Paul or John Edwards...

Both of which probably have no chance. What worries me is if a woman or a black man get elected some red state Christian extremist racist will attempt an assassination. The Iowa Cock-us being the beginning of it all is happening as I write this we can now officially let the shit throwing party that the candidates do begin.







2.) Steriods Steriods Steriods - No surprise to me that Roger Clemens took it in the ass.
Before...








AFTER...AARRRR!!!




Even less of a surprise in pro wrestling. I think wrestlers should be allowed to take them, call it an occupational hazard as much as getting thrown around a ring is. If they want to take the legal and health risks, let them its all just a show anyway.
"Im not on anything but supplements I swear"

Real sports on the other hand are a different cup of sperm . Do I hate Barry Bonds as a human being - YES! Were steroids illegal in baseball when he turned into the Incredible Hulk? Kinda(no testing), they were illegal in the entire country though. Time to forget this steroid era and move forward just like Mark Mcgwire wants..

3.) Britney Fuckin Spears - Enough already ya crazy bitch!
Sure Id still throw it in her woman hole unprotected and get Aids, syphillis or leperacy penis but come on why is there so much focus on her. Oh thats right because she went from being miss sweet innocent "I'm a virgin" Britney to a double childbearing, drug addled, slutty train wreck. She is living proof like so many child stars that Hollywood will fuck you in the ass without giving you the slightest reach around. She really might be a suicide risk and she looks like it more and more everyday.
The tabloids need to avoid her at all costs but how can you when shes such mess? Shit she got divorced from who we thought was the bigger loser of the two, lost custody of her kids, showed her bare vag. like 1000 times, shaved her head, went crazy and smashed up her exs vehicle a little, went to rehab only to leave early then go back to rehab and leave early again, had perhaps the worst live performance on MTV in 10 years (when 50 cent is rolling his eyes you must be sucking it up), and missed a court appearance 5 times when it came to the childs custody. Good God I want to fuck her.


4.) WGA Strike fucking up my T.V. - Someone pay these fuckers already! I need to know what happens in Heroes now that Sylar has his powers back! I need the Shield, Weeds, Californication and late night T.V. has SUCKED!! I actually turned to Bill O' Reilly the other day as a source of entertainment. Seriously Bill O' Reilly that guy is about as amusing as watching someone play Sim City.

I miss Colbert! I missed Conan and Dave! Thank God those guys are back but we need all the writers on the job. Seriously what is this about online distribution? Dvd sales money? Just pay the fuckers!! They dont get dick for creating the shit that actually makes these shows watchable! I certainly don't watch Kimmel because hes handsome.

5.) Anna Nicole Smith died - She was pretty much dead already and had no soul. Her son O.D.ed and her daughter was thought to have any one of 6 different fathers.

This got way too much coverage and it is just a matter of time when you drink 12 drinks a night, take adderol, lithium, methadone, slim fast, crack and snort rock salt.

6.) The Trifecta of dumb rich bitches - It would be a foursome but Britney Spears was such a mess she had to be addressed separately.

Lindsey Lohan - Two DUIs and lots of rehab where she rode on stupid ass go carts.

Nicole Richie - DUI and got pregnant actually might be actually turning the corner in her maturity.. weird.

Paris Hilton - DUI and got the book thrown at her and she cried her ass out of jail only to go back and serve a whole 12 days....ok fine it was hard 23 days... HEAVENS!

I miss the days when the young women in Hollywood ate food and did what they do best... Preform. What do Hilton and Richie do though? Say "thats hot" and act rich? The performance I thought was the best from these bitches was when Hilton went on Larry King to claim she was gonna grow up and do charity work. Hows that coming along, Paris?

7.) WTF Chris Benoit - For a guy who I always thought was fun to watch actually use technical wrestling and deliver a good match all the time, I never thought he would end up being a complete fucking nutjob who murders his wife and kid! They wanted to blame roids for this one.. Well how many times have you actually heard of some crime being committed because of ROID RAGE!?
The murdering wolverine
This event actually proved to me that Nancy Grace is a pointless cunt to even attempt to watch. She threw this down everyones throat everynight and it got so old... Roids in wrestling!! BLAH BLAH BLAH ROID RAGE!!! I literally pissed on my T.V. Ok the guy turned out to be a monster of a human who did something WAY fucked up but it was no reason to take it out on pro wrestling in general.


8.) That Nasa bitch - She wore a diaper while she drove to Orlando to pretty much try to kill a former lover. Wow! Bitch had some balls and shit herself in the name of her own warped sense of love. Id marry her.







9.) Don Imus likes black women - So he called the Rutgers female basketball team "Nappy Headed Ho's" IT WAS A JOKE!!! When did we lose our sense of humor! Sure I hate Imus hes a piece of shit and might actually be a racist but he wasn't TRYING to be racist. When does the term "Shock Jock" mean less. He said something racy isn't that what these fuckers do? They talk about downing gallons of jizz and thats ok but HUSH HUSH on anything that that has to do with race. We are overly fucking sensitive on race. Sure the country was fucked before and our ancestors were fucked in the head on race issues but isn't there a time to let things go? He didnt even drop an N bomb and all of a sudden Imus was the leader of the Klan. Freedom of speech don't mean shit if you make a comment slightly racist. Racists are fucking lowlifes but so are people that are overly sensitive toward jokes.





10.) The New England Patriots - Fuck you Boston, I hate your sports teams with a passion! I hate New Yorks even more but you're just like them except your lame ass town is smaller by a bit. 16-0 no teams ever done that huh? Wow good for you! I hope you get killed in the playoffs because Tom Brady and Randy Moss are both the most annoying things in the NFL. Its like having America fall in love with Gilbert Godfried and Bobcat Goldwaith as their favorite standup comics. Tom Brady went to school at Michigan.. then instantly became a fag right after that. Hey if he likes banging dudes its cool but I wont root for his football team because they are in Boston. Boston has the most retarded sports stars ever! Drew Bledsoe, Wade Boggs, Larry Bird, John Cena, Manny Ramirez, David Ortiz, Roids Clemens, Kevin Mchale(no disrespect Ted Williams) I think the only one on that list I can stand is Boggs and thats just because he ate fried chicken before every single game. God I hate Boston! Die Pats Die!

11.) The Detroit Tigers trade - It became apparent at the end of this year that the Tigers are either going to win now or regret early December of '07. Pulling off the biggest blockbuster deal their GM Dave Dombrowski sent the organizations two most prized prospects Andrew Miller and Cameron Maybin along with some other bums to Miami for two respected stars Miguel Cabera and Dontrelle Willis. This gives the tigers the best lineup in baseball on paper(but thats why they play the games) and 5 REAL strong pitchers. Everybody better fucking stay healthy! The future has been mortgaged time to bring the grand prize to the D!



12.) My issues - Drinking and driving...eesh! When will I learn! I got my second strike late November and will end up with at least some jail time and a sentence to never be able to ever even have one beer and drive home again. I can't take the risk... I'll probably lose my drivers license for a year and be living out of a ghetto ass motel room by June. Who knows where this is going... good thing I got a lawyer who got it pled down to guilty of a first offense(even though its number two for me). Now I wont be tossing dudes salad in jail for too long. Dont drink and drive.. For the record on both offenses I had a BAL of .20 ouch. Lesson learned! Time to grow up fuckface!

13.) Guitar Hero 3- The one game that took over the entire fucking world! For about 2 months everywhere you fucking went this being played. Shit, its still happening too... Rock Band came out and looks like this game had a quadruplets via homosexual sex. Sure its a good idea but it looks super lame and it looks far from worth it. I saw a dude rocking this game burnt off the internet on a non HD tv with the guitar hero 2 guitar and he was throwing a GH3 party... Timing was fucked but cuz everyone had a boner for the game it didnt matter. I got drunk and probably ended up with a lap full of vomit.





14.) 2 Girls 1 Cup - As Borat would say WAWAWEEWAH!! It goes downhill FAST!! The most fucking disgusting thing you'll ever voluntarily see. It became the internet's secret deadly weapon towards sanity! Everyone filmed their face watching it for the first time if they were told what it was before. Thank you Youtube! Those videos alone are hilarious after you know what HELL they are watching. This is by far the sickest shit Ive ever seen. If you havent seen it, well first of all you're late! Second just think two women in a porn eating shit then one vomits it back up and into the other chicks mouth. Quite HOT!! If you've seen this then I high recommend looking for the BME pain olympics. OUCH! Are these things proof of deterioration on the morals of the world? I think morals have always been bad and were just now not hiding it as much. What a year for everything to be FUCKED!

15.) Summer Comedies - It was actually refreshing for once to see some movies that broke the rules and brought something new with comedy films. Superbad and Hot Rod in particular they saved my summer.. Hot Rod gets a bad rap as just being too stupid but for a fan that loves that kind of film it was dead on... The lonely island dudes totally delivered a great film for what it was, considering they were the back up to Will Ferrell who passed on the project. Thank God Ferrell didn't do this movie otherwise it just woulda been the same old shit. I think they did it better than Will could have. Superbad was Judd Apatows best film so far (even considering Walk Hard).. Its perhaps the best high school movie ever (up there with the first American Pie). Michael Cera is the next big talent and if you dont believe me got to clarkandmichael.com and watch that shit... I will say that Balls of Fury SUCKED!!!

16.) Star Wars My way - I was always the one saying "FUCK YOU NERD!!!" Everytime Star Wars was on T.V. I was like "I'll never watch that shit even if I'm forced". Then I watched an episode of Robot Chicken and I didn't get any of the jokes. It was obviously the Star Wars episode...I got sick of not understanding the jokes, not understanding anything ever of this pop culture phenomenon. I had made sure I was clear of all Star wars anything cuz I didnt want to know! Then one day I had a few hours to kill on my job and I saw the torrent of all 6 movies on one download. I figured FUCK IT Im sick of not knowing these nerd jokes or references. SOOOO I allowed myself to start watching these nerd movies. I did it however the opposite way of most. I watched this shit from that shitty Episode one movie on... For some reason even episode one grabbed me and trapped me into the star wars world. I hated A LOT of that movie too.. it trapped me and It got better with every episode of the movies. Episode 3 was AWESOME!!! I think the worst two of the whole series was Episode one and New Hope or the original first movie. The rest were awesome..

There were some missing links like I didnt know who the Emporer was in the new episodes and I kinda had to figure it out. I thought it was cheesy that Chewbacca and Yoda met previously. Anyway bottom line... I am indeed an official nerd now thank you Star wars! I will now only portray my penis in a dramatic role if that role allows for my penis to be portrayed as a handicapped penis with several bandages!